One good phone call, I'm exulting "yes!" and pounding my fist on the dashboard. Milk that positive rush. Then a separate unanswered phone message leaves me feeling hollow. I go to the museum in San Jose, flirt idly with the staff and patrons but it's momentary, I'm just doing it to tell myself I can, trying to keep myself entertained and my comfort zone as wide as possible. Go home, then a longer phone call, interupted by a shorter, happier one. So far today I have had four different ways to feel and the result is momentary stimulus followed by a quick return to my central ambivalence. Am I just tired today? I cannot decide if this is good or bad....
Time for a new sheet or two of personal calling cards. I print-up a new collection, replacing one of the old "job titles" with a new one:
Okay, an optimistic opinion: no matter what occurs between me and other people, in the end I always wake up with myself. So my fundamental ambient state, my own emotional inertia, is ultimately what I need to care about. A phone call, a meeting, kisses or indifference, these experiences are all invaluable but I need to remember that they don't define me. That's my job.
My goal is to find a fantastic partner, someone I can love without having any sort of exit strategy or need for a safety net. But I need to be a Great Guy too, not just part of a Great Couple. So I keep working.
Eat dinner & then blast into the dark through the growing downpour and over Hwy 17, the car skipping through the wash despite four wheel drive. I'm having coffee with S above Capitola Beach.
I am such a sucker for redheads. Always have been. S's eyes are a pale pale green, the light filters through her hair and bounces from her hand and the irises are almost peach. Some of the clearest eyes I have ever seen. Spectacular.
And a film major. And a photographer. We narrowly miss getting sucked into the black hole of talking about gear, skipping just outside the Schwarzschild Radius (in a daring move I say "Nikkor one-oh-five two-five" then drop the topic before losing all possible angular momentum).
I didn't expect to like her so much, but I do. Is this a lesson to me? I always do. No. That's not actually true. I can always be pleasant company, I am always interested in who I am with at that moment. They will be calling me back but I'm really not following up. Sometimes. Not this time. This time: yeah, I like her.
I had thought of a half-dozen little games to play, conversational gems to dangle none of them needed. No tricks for attention or rapport. We're talking about sea otters or Cozumel or minivans and my background score card is tallying eye dilations and gaze patterns and a finger slowly twirling an earring. Spiralling, synergizing. Doggoned table for two. But now I'm talking too much and we're running low on time. We go to the car. Another hug & her minivan is off.
Enough. Despite invitations to go out I'm strongly leaning towards a New Year's at home. Just me, reading, doing lab work, learning more about XSI and Max, and sorting out my own self. Sounds right for the purpose of the season.
Monday? Tuesday? By then, I should have reached terminal velocity. Heck, I'll probably change my mind by 5 PM tomorrow.
(Saturday correction: make that by 9AM. Awoke with the desire for a party, and thinking I really need to work on my ability to not shrink (or hide behind a camera) in a dense party crowd. Carlos wants to go to Ruby Skye but I'll stick with my original Plan A. See you at the Habana Copacapana after 10PM...)